No social media for my Gen Alpha kids
Why we've said 'no' to Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat and the rest of them
I have felt some hesitation to state this publicly. After all, we might change our mind and then I’ll look silly. I said my kids wouldn’t have a dummy and look how long that lasted (4 days fyi). But Womaning Wisely is about being open, sharing perspectives, and helping each other navigate life. So in that spirit, this is where I’m at. If I change my mind, I guess I’ll just write about that too. So, here we go then…
Over Christmas my 11-year old daughter acquired my mum’s old iPhone. She already had a sim card in a semi-smart watch we’d got her to stave off this scenario, so it was fairly simple to kick the phone into life. I’ve been uncomfortable with her having a phone and have done a lot of thinking around why. I’ve concluded that it’s less the phone and more the possibilities it opens up. Namely social media.
(A side note on generations as I’m using them. There are no universally agreed definitions, but broadly Gen Z are people born from 1995 to 2010 and Gen Alpha is everyone since.)
Gen Z are the first generation to grow up entirely in the digital age, with easy access to technology and the internet from a young age. When Instagram was launched, and many Gen Zers were tweens and teens, it was simple, harmless fun. Just sharing a few photos of your life with people you knew in real life. I joined Instagram in 2012 and my 5th post was a scan picture of the aforementioned 11-year old, captioned ‘Baby Hughes 20 weeks’. It was liked by 5 people, no comments.
Oh, how it’s changed. We didn’t notice, did we? The little shifts and slight adjustments along the way. Much like you don’t notice your baby growing to be 11, until you stop a moment and there it is. A different entity. And whilst we grown-ups were all not noticing, Gen Z were caught up in it. Swept along through a precious and formative period of their life.
Now it’s time to take stock.
Why I’m worried about kids and social media
Social media is addictive. We all know this. It is intentionally made to be addictive by utilising persuasive design techniques such as push notifications, infinite scroll, social influence, and gamification to keep us hooked. The most powerful explanation of this I’ve encountered is the Netflix show The Social Dilemma. If you haven’t watched it, I’d recommend. It’s a drama-documentary hybrid which explores one teenager’s battle against the social media ‘machine’. It’s also rich with insights from industry experts who provide a - frankly chilling - exposé of the beast they have created. If adult minds are putty in the hands of social media, I can’t fathom what it does with an immature, influenceable teenage brain.
Social media is not free. It may appear to be free, but we all know Meta is a multi-billion dollar company. So where do we come in?
If you’re not paying for the product, then you are the product
We are paying with our attention. And in order to keep our attention, the social media platform gets to know us so they can play on our fears, anxieties and insecurities. Then they will monetise it. Hover a split second longer over an ad for weight loss pills and you know what content you’ll be served next. Destination echo-chamber here you come. You’ll be surrounded by voices that amplify those in your head and gradually nudge you towards taking action.
I don’t trust that the parental voice of reason I can offer my kids will be sufficient to counter-act the algorithms or drown out the echo-chambers they may find themselves in.
I highly recommend delving into
’s piece Algorithms Hijacked My Generation. I Fear For Gen Alpha to understand more about this pernicious side of social media.Social media affects mental health. Last year, Dove released a 3 minute film called Cost of Beauty. It comes with a trigger warning and, despite having watched it half a dozen times, I still can’t do so without crying. I know why. It’s because the little girl is just like mine, and the big girl reminds me of a dear friend. It’s because it’s real.
I have lost track of the number of studies I have seen which conclude that social media has a negative impact on the mental health of children.
Evidence from a variety of…studies implicate smartphone and social media use in the increase in mental distress, self-injurious behaviour and suicidality among youth; there is a dose–response relationship, and the effects appear to be greatest among girls1.
I’m yet to read a study which contradicts that perspective.
Only YouTube has a net positive impact on well-being. The Youth Health Movement conducted a UK-wide survey of 14-24 year olds2. They explored 14 health and well-being factors and asked whether usage of a social media platform made them better or worse.
All the platforms scored positively on self-expression, self-identity, emotional support and community building. With the exception of YouTube, these effects were outweighed by the negative impacts on sleep, body image, anxiety, bullying, FoMo, depression, and loneliness. Instagram was the worst of those surveyed - a significant net negative impact on mental health.
Those in the know say ‘no’. There have been multiple reports of Silicon Valley tech moguls prohibiting or restricting their kids’ access to screens and the internet. This article in The Independent asks what they know that we don’t. Why were Bill Gates’ kids not allowed phones until they were 14? Why had Steve Jobs’ kids not even used the latest iPad?
Richard Freed is a child and adolescent psychologist and author of the book Wired Child. He doesn’t let his kids on social media:
We’ve really worked hard to have our kids not on social media and that is driven by my research and clinical practice. It’s remarkably clear to me that kids’ use of social media pulls them away from the two most important things in life: family and school3.
And some poignant words from a voice of Gen Z,
:What I would say to the parents of Gen Alpha is: don’t let your children open accounts on social media platforms when they are still in early puberty. Delay their entry until at least 16. Prioritize their in-person interactions, and encourage them to discover who they are from real-world experiences, not manipulative algorithms.
Why are many parents ok with social media?
As you can likely tell, I’m struggling to see the positives. I’m yet to hear anyone explain why overall it’s a good thing for kids to be using social media. But I want to look at the coin from both sides. I’m very interested in the reasons other parents are more relaxed about it.
From the conversations I’ve had, I think they fall into two camps. If I’m missing something, I’d be really interested to know.
Camp 1: It’s harmless enough.
I disagree. See above.
Camp 2: I don’t want them to miss out.
If only none of them were on it there would be nothing to miss out on, but as it stands, this is a possible/likely consequence of saying ‘no’ when others aren’t. For me, it doesn’t feel like a big enough consequence to counteract the risks, but I imagine this being a topic of future conversation in our house.
So, what have I said to my daughter?
When we set up my daughter’s phone I gave her an (arguably too long) explanation of why I’m not comfortable with social media. I showed her Instagram and we noticed together the quantity of sponsored and suggested posts. I explained how these are targeted at individuals and the sort of content she might be served as a tween/teenage girl. I told her how they make it addictive and how it’s all about making money. I played her the Dove ad and we talked about it. I told her why I wanted her to be free of all that and to grow up exploring the things she is interested in. Essentially, I engaged her in my thought process because I want her to understand the ‘why’ behind our decisions.
She nodded a lot and demonstrated she understood, then said, ‘So, can I have WhatsApp?’.
The answer to that was ‘yes’. Because on WhatsApp there are no ads, no algorithms, no strangers. I’m sure there will be some friendship squabbles and fallouts via WhatsApp, just as there will be in person. That’s life. But I see it my job as a parent to coach her through navigating these virtual social situations in just the same way I coached her to ‘share nicely’ at toddler groups not so many years ago.
But not the rest of it. Not Instagram, not TikTok, not Snapchat. They are a beast that caught Gen Z unaware. Those kids - or perhaps more accurately their parents - didn’t see it coming until it was too late.
That puts Gen Alpha parents in a privileged position. The beast is standing right in front of us, clear as day, looming over our kids. Why would we offer them up to it?
Where are you at with social media?
I’d love to hear some perspectives on this one. It’s not an easy topic to navigate.
What’s your relationship with social media?
What’s your approach with your kids?
Do you see good as well as bad?
What do think of my rule, ‘No ads, no algorithms, no strangers’ to sense check their use of apps and platforms?
Abi-Jaoude E, Naylor KT, Pignatiello A. Smartphones, social media use and youth mental health. CMAJ. 2020 Feb 10;192(6):E136-E141. doi: 10.1503/cmaj.190434. PMID: 32041697; PMCID: PMC7012622.
https://www.rsph.org.uk/static/uploaded/d125b27c-0b62-41c5-a2c0155a8887cd01.pdf
How Silicon Valley's parents keep their children safe online | Internet | The Guardian
Hi, Jo - very happy to provide a different perspective. Our daughter (14) is on Instagram, and it has been a generally positive experience for her and for us.
She is and has always been an extravert performer child, so when she turned 13 (when you are allowed to go on Instagram) she asked if she could have an account. We said yes, subject to some important rules:
* She must tell us immediately if she is uncomfortable with anything going on
* Full access to her account at any time from me and my wife (so we can check her DMs etc)
* Strictly no personal details (where she lives, her full name, her school etc.)
This is on top of the usual smartphone rules for her and her brother (consistently, if not perfectly, enforced):
* Screen time maxed at 2 hours per day
* No screens after 7pm
* No phones in bedrooms overnight
She is a "content creator" so she films videos of herself singing, acting, dancing, as well as the "get ready with me" and "get unready with me" chats. As her followers have grown, she has also used it to talk about things that are important to her like animal testing, and she has talked about the challenges of friendship issues, too.
We have seen a lot of the upsides you reference, in terms of self-confidence and self-expression. She has also made friendships with girls her age from Australia, Serbia and the USA - and collaborated with them. We have not (yet, at least) seen the downsides cited in the studies. Although there have been some trolls, they are rare and are "water off a duck's" back to her (she sometimes even makes fun of them); there have been no sinister/ sexual approaches at all; and nothing on suicide/ eating disorders.
Perhaps we have been lucky, but for these reasons, for our daughter, the benefits seem to be outweighing the disadvantages. And we are happy that although this is something that is meaningful for her, it is only a part of the many activities and hobbies she has.
The social media that has caused most problems is WhatsApp - as it means that the various friendship group dramas bleed into the evenings and weekends. We have had far more tears and heartache with this than anything else - and my wife and I have had to console and advise her on multiple occasions. I'm not sure that taking her off WhatsApp would be a good idea - but the screen time limit/ no phones after 7 rule does help.
All kids are different - so what works for one might not work for another. But this has been our experience.
I personally don't do social media or if I do it's once in a blue moon and to share something rather that consume or digest information.
I even have a problem with YT kids, but it's a reflection of society as most of the content just as most of the content on social media in general is from the white majority and mostly American. I don't want to normalise something that doesn't feel anything like my lived experience and how my daughter will probably interact and experience the wider culture and society.
So no, I'm not a fan of social media either for myself or my daughter who is now 3. I know parents of children this age have already given them a phone or tablet to keep them amused but no, that's not on the agenda at all.
I wish we were in the country or in a country where there is more opportunity for outside play and exploration as this is how I spent my childhood.