"I'm trying so hard and I just end up cranky"
When life drains your battery, it's the people you love most who get the worst of you
The workshop I ran this week brought a dozen women together. Women who scrambled through the bathtime routine, or rushed in from work, to take some time for themselves. I felt the magnitude of that. The responsibility to make it worthwhile for them.
There’s much I could reflect on, but one comment from the evening has been playing on a loop in my head. In a moment of beautiful vulnerability, a woman I have never met chose to share her struggle.
“I’m always doing so much for them (the kids), running them around to different clubs, trying to do the right thing, and I end up with no time for myself and then I’m irritable and cranky with them”
Put so succinctly, the irony is stark. The very people that you are desperately trying to do the best by, end up being the ones that get the worst of you.
That resonated with me deeply. I wish I had asked for a show of hands, ‘Who else recognises this feeling?’. I bet there would have been a full house.
You can’t pour from an empty cup
Net-net, kids are takers. They’ll take all you have to give and still try for a bit more at bedtime.
If you spend enough uninterrupted time with your children, you are guaranteed to end up empty. Then, they will take the empty vessel that you are and shake it upside-down, desperately searching for a few more drops. And when you let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they have definitely reached the bottom, it’s you who ends up feeling guilty for not having more to give.
It took me too long to understand that truth. Too many bottom-of-the-cup moments. It’s a crappy place to be, and it’s a tough place to get out of. Because when your cup is completely empty, it takes a lot of filling.
I used to struggle with the idea of taking ‘time off’ to do things for me. It felt selfish. I worried that Deri would think I was taking the piss. It felt like it should be a treat, and something I was grateful for.
Then one day I reframed it. What if I wasn’t taking time for me for me but I was taking time for me for them?
Perhaps embracing time for me for me would be ideal, but sometimes it’s easier to hack your brain than try to completely reprogramme it. The idea that I’m doing these things for them stops me feeling it’s selfish or that I need to be grateful.
One of my affirmations now is:
I enjoy doing things that fill my cup, knowing I'll have more to give to those I love.
Having a full cup feels a lot better than having an empty one. So once you start finding ways to achieve that, you are motivated to carry on. And everyone’s a winner.
Lessons in energy accounting
I came across the concept of energy accounting through learning about autism. I understand that Autistic people can find day-to-day activities and interactions very draining on their energy reserves, and this leaves them more susceptible to burn-out or shut-down. But neurotypical people can get there too - it might take a bit longer, but everyone’s energy reserves are finite. The energy accounting tool can be helpful for anyone who regularly ends up drained by life1.
Consider yourself now, not a cup but a battery. How charged were you when you woke this morning? If it’s 100% you are doing really well. I think I started today on around 70%.
As you move through your day, many things will require your energy. And not just physically, but socially, cognitively or emotionally. You might use up energy being in a meeting, being stuck in traffic, or even having lunch with a friend (depending on your personality type and who the friend is!). Anything that feels like it is requiring something of you, view it as using up units of your energy.
You will hopefully also do things in your day that will charge you up. Maybe stopping for a coffee, going for a walk, or having lunch with a friend (depending on your personality type and who the friend is!). Anything that feels like it is replenishing you, view it as adding units of energy to your battery.
You get to design the system, and you get to decide the units. But figure out where you are at the end of the day. Simplistically, mine might look like this….
Where you end the day depends on where you started the day, the number of units you were drained and the number of units you were charged. Where you start tomorrow depends on where you ended today and the quality of your sleep.
If, over the course of several days or weeks there is more draining than charging, your battery depletes until GAME OVER.
Staying full enough
Battery or cup, you need to keep it topped up. But how?
Start to develop an awareness of how ‘full’ you feel, the activities and experiences that drain you and those that charge you up. Some people like to keep a list of their favourite ‘charging activities’ to help them work more of that into their days.
Don’t deprioritise your charging in the family system. And certainly don’t feel guilty about it. It is vital, for you and for those who need some of you.
If you live with someone else, communicate with them and help each other out. Don’t let each other get to empty. I defer to Brené for advice on that one…
I think there is a lot neurotypical people could learn from the Autistic community about managing life better. I often think that if our schools were just set up in a way that suited Autistic kids, all kids would find it beneficial. Which kids wouldn’t benefit from predictability, structure, peaceful classrooms, a calmer environment and the opportunity to have sensory breaks?
I love this post Jo, and the battery analogy is such a useful one. Thanks for sharing (and also for the mention!)