"I truly became insane...looking back, it scares me witless"
The Matriarchs share their experiences with tough times and mental health challenges, and provide a hopeful message.
This article is part of a series called The Wisdom of the Matriarchs. If you missed the series introduction, you can catch up here. The Matriarchs are six special women who have agreed to share their life wisdom and reflections with the Womaning Wisely community. I remain very grateful to them for opening up and giving us the opportunity to learn from their experiences. Do leave a comment at the end - I think they’ll enjoy them!
This article is a tricky one because it tackles mental health. That’s a broad umbrella and I want to acknowledge that The Matriarchs each happen to share their perspectives on mental health in response to singular life events. I feel that their advice should be taken in this context and not assumed to be relevant to people experiencing persistent mental health conditions or ongoing challenges.
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This week in the UK, our Prime Minister caused a bit of a furore when he spoke about the ‘growing trend’ of mental health conditions, and ‘the risk of over-medicalising the everyday challenges and worries of life’. I’ve since read opinion pieces by people with mental health conditions and disabilities who feel this is ‘a slap in the face’1. And others by people who support his sentiment and ‘refuse to believe that almost a quarter of all working age British adults are incapable of work.’2
I don’t doubt that both are true. I’d make a terrible politician and a poor journalist. Our political discourse and mainstream media don’t tend to hold space for nuance and complexity, and I spend a lot of time milling about in the grey between black and white.
I feel confident to assert just one thing. Rishi was right when he said,
We should see it as a sign of progress that people can talk openly about mental health conditions in a way that only a few years ago would’ve been unthinkable.
Why do I think he’s right on that? Because The Matriarchs said so…
Mental health was never spoken about or was a thing when I was young. It took me a while to work out what it meant when it was first bandied about. How pleased I am that it is now spoken about much more openly.
’It wasn’t something that was talked about’
One of The Matriarchs shared something of the mental health challenges she faced on becoming a mother.
I had 8 years of infertility treatment and was desperate to have my own child and be the 'perfect' parent I longed to be. I had visions of being such a calm and loving mother that I would only need to give a little nod and a smile at my child to encourage them to behave perfectly! Both my child and myself would live in heavenly harmony!
The reality was completely different. I lived in an isolated place and spent 12 hours a day on my own with a colicky, unsettled baby. I most probably had post-natal depression but didn't share that with anyone as I knew I should be grateful to have the child I'd tried so hard to conceive. In those days it wasn't something that was talked about. All the other mothers in the mother and baby group had babies that slept well and were settled and happy. They all had families they saw regularly. This made me feel even more alone.
Sometimes, it helps to have our experiences normalised. This can be an important step in tackling a mental health problem. Today we can jump online and the NHS will tell us post-natal depression is ‘a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth.’ We can learn that a long period of infertility and the process of fertility treatment makes post-natal depression more likely. We can connect with other people who understand and can offer help and support.
In a pre-internet world that didn’t talk about mental health, it’s tough to see how post-natal depression could be normalised. If the few people you know haven’t experienced it, or don’t talk about it, it’s natural to put on a front. And so, this Matriarch felt unsupported and alone.
When life completely sideswipes you
I want to share two more stories. These aren’t examples of ‘everyday challenges and worries’; they are examples of the way life can sometimes sideswipe you. The first is my mum’s, which means it is partly mine too. When this happened, I was four.
I suppose my worst experience with mental health was due to grief. Grief of the greatest magnitude when I lost a child. He was nearly 21 months old and fell ill and died within 6 days. There is nothing more to say, you will understand. However, in the two weeks following his death I truly became insane. I do not say that to be dramatic, it was just too painful and enormous to cope with. At the time I felt that he was ‘somewhere’ and that he needed me and that the only way I would find him was to go to him by taking my own life. My daughter would have her dad and he would have me. It was the sensible thing to do and I had it all sorted. It all made complete sense at the time and would have been a very easy thing to do. Looking back, it scares me witless. Fortunately, my husband realised all was not right and, even though we were not a religious family, in the absence of any support he called our local vicar who sat with me all night. That man saved my life.
We used to joke that, as a child, I could never be alone. I’d follow my mum around the house, driven by a need to be in the same physical space as her. I guess this is why. I was scared I would lose her too.
A few years after this, the son of another Matriarch was diagnosed with cancer. She and my mum were very close friends.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot protect your children from everything. Speaking from experience, our son had a childhood cancer aged 7 and was given a 30% chance of survival. Thankfully he did survive and is now a robust almost 40-year-old. I spent hours wondering what we did wrong to cause it. Did I eat something while pregnant? Or drink alcohol? Have we exposed him to nasty chemicals? But the truth is, shit happens, and we can never be in complete control.
I can’t imagine being told your son has a 70% chance of dying. Especially when you’ve recently watched your friend lose her son. How the hell do you deal with that?
But they did.
The changing landscape of mental health
I tried to imagine how it may play out for three women living through these experiences today. How might it be different?
They would likely identify their experiences as ‘mental health concerns’. A concept that was alien to our Matriarchs.
They would certainly be able to access more information and support.
They would probably seek and receive more medical or psychological intervention.
They perhaps would have a label for the thing they were experiencing. Depression. Anxiety. Psychosis. PTSD.
They may also have a prescription. Sleeping tablets. Anti-depressants. Benzodiazepines.
Would they be better off as a result?
Perhaps yes. They would find information, support, connection, normalisation.
And perhaps no. I wonder that the dark side of our societal progress on mental health issues is an underlying intolerance with life being less than perfect. In our enthusiasm to fix and help, we miss the importance of accepting. This is really shit, and it’s ok to feel like this right now. I don’t need mending.
The bad times don’t have to define you
There is no escaping that really awful stuff can happen. If you are in the middle of something horrendous it may feel like there’s no way out, no future.
But The Matriarchs show us that such things need form only part of your story.
Yes, they will change you. You will emerge a different person, with different perspectives and understanding. But you can emerge. And there is joy to be found on the other side.
Losing a child is one of the most horrendous things that can happen to someone. Yet my mum continues her story…
I share this because I want to explain that, despite this tragedy, I feel I have had an extremely fortunate, happy life and though I have had a few (very) curved balls thrown at me along the way, I count myself as being very lucky. Maybe it’s those curved balls that make you appreciate life when they’re being bowled straight. Losing my son was, without question, the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but he left us with so many gifts and I will always be grateful to him. If you’re suffering, remember every situation, be it good or bad, will change. You will get through it. There are some things you will never get over but they will find their rightful place.
Our lessons on mental health
Life can through you a curve ball and there’s nothing you can do to protect against that.
If you are going through something difficult it is better to seek support than feel alone.
Experiencing mental health challenges can be a very normal part of life.
The bad times don’t have to define you. There can be joy on the other side.