"The reality is different for everyone. There's no 'right' way to parent"
The Matriarchs talk parenting intentions and outcomes, and keeping shtum about how we're raising their grandkids
This article is part of a series called The Wisdom of the Matriarchs. If you missed the series introduction, you can catch up here. The Matriarchs are six special women who have agreed to share their life wisdom and reflections with the Womaning Wisely community. I remain very grateful to them for opening up and giving us the opportunity to learn from their experiences. Do leave a comment at the end - I think they’ll enjoy them!
(If you are reading on email you may need to click ‘read more’ at the end to see the full article)
Despite recently publishing an article called ‘Parents should not give out parenting advice’, one of the things I asked The Matriarchs for was parenting advice. How could I not? These women have 16 children and 28 grandchildren between them. And the perspective of time.
The basis of my article was ‘what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another’, and I’m left feeling vindicated. The Matriarchs have given us many insightful reflections on parenting, but none of them have waded in with practical advice on how to settle a baby, set boundaries for a child, or navigate the years with a teenager. They reflect primarily on their intentions and outcomes, and frequently acknowledge there’s no one right way. Even so, they have made me smile with some tactful comments about how they see their grandchildren being raised. They have opinions…they’re just keeping them to themselves!
Most parenting challenges will become a footnote
In my season of parenting (with primary-aged children), there’s a lot of talk about the challenges of managing everything from sleep regressions and toddler tantrums to phonics assessments and SATs. It can feel all-consuming at times, and the choices we make day-to-day significant. Notable in The Matriarchs reflections was the absence of any of this. There are only two fairly fleeting references to challenging times…
I have enjoyed parenting at all stages. However, there were times that I found it challenging and tedious.
When children are challenging, hold on to the fact that it won’t last forever and in the blink of an eye your kids are all grown up and living their own lives. Try to live in the moment and when the moment is tough, remember it will pass.
I find this soothing. All the things that feel important at the moment are likely to hold very little significance in the long run. It all gets caught up in a single footnote that says, ‘Yeh, it was kind of tough at times, but it didn’t last long’.
There are, of course, some exceptions. Three of The Matriarchs have shared something of their traumatic experiences with post-natal depression, a child having cancer, and the loss of a child. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and the challenges you face are not a footnote; they are horrendous and formative. The impacts on mental health and life perspective are significant. This will be given the space it deserves in a future article.
With broad intentions you get good outcomes
The Matriarchs reflections were consistently focused on their parenting intentions and outcomes. Their intentions were broad and overarching - they wanted to raise their children to be a certain type of adult. The outcomes they desired were substantial, yet simple - happy adult children who they have a good relationship with.
My focus on parenting was always what the adult child would turn out like. I am glad to say that in all three cases I am very proud of my daughters’ achievements and how they are as adults and parents themselves. One of my greatest achievements with parenting has been to allow them to develop their own separate personalities and yet to keep equally good relationships with each one.
With children, my philosophy has always been that you love them, educate them and watch them grow into people you admire. We hope they succeed and are happy with their choices. I have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren and I know I am very lucky.
Our aim was to have independent children who were self-sufficient but also had empathy and an awareness of other people’s plight which might not be anything they had experienced. They seem to be fairly well adjusted and sociable and, hopefully, the experiences we gave them helped with that.
There are all the obvious things like love, time, kindness but I had to identify what my end goal was and that was to bring two confident adults into the world who had a good sense of right and wrong, who would show kindness and compassion to other people and who had a good work ethic. I wanted them to be an asset to our society, to be able to cope on their own when the time came and of course I wanted them to be happy. No rocket science in any of that but it was a big responsibility.
Across the board, The Matriarchs were positive about the outcomes of their parenting. They are proud of their adult kids, speak fondly of their grandchildren, love spending time with their families, and find joy in maintaining good relationships with them.
Great! Where’s the manual?
You won’t be surprised to learn that they haven’t provided an instruction book. In fact, we know they must have each gone about it a different way. Each making a million little decisions differently across a couple of decades. The Matriarchs themselves acknowledge that they even parented their own children differently…
Even though I read endless books about parenting, the reality is different for everyone. There is no 'right' way to parent. Each child will have their own unique character and different needs. My advice - do your best but don't beat yourself up for not being the perfect parent or having the perfect child. Be good enough.
It is interesting that they are all so different when, one could argue, that they had the same parents. Of course, they didn’t have the same parents because you are so unsure with the first that you are trying to do what is right and learning at the same time, with the second there is much more confidence in what you are doing and by the third you are so laissez faire you could not probably recognise the way (our first) was treated with the way (our third) was treated. There is also their own personalities and characters that lead you to treat them differently, boys and girls have different pressures put upon them and so do parents of boys and girls.
But in all of this difference, they are happy with every outcome. This is wonderful. This means it’s very unlikely that any of us are messing it up in any big way. Hakuna matata.
(As a side note, I’m reminded of a lady I met through NCT who announced with certainty at our first meeting that she would be following Gina Ford because that way ‘even if I fail, I know I will have done the right thing’. This has puzzled me on multiple levels for over a decade now…!)
Mum’s the word…
I love this bit! We have from The Matriarchs a wonderfully soothing message of hope. All kids are different, all parents are different, there’s no one right way to do this, and it all works out ok in the end.
But.
We do have opinions about how you are raising our grandkids.
It’s interesting watching the parenting of our grandchildren. I would never deign to offer an opinion unless asked but seeing the different personalities and the way they are handled in today’s world is an eye opener.
They are being raised by a daughter-in-law and son which, I have found, is completely different to a daughter and son-in-law. Make of that what you will. I have more input with (my daughter) but that may be just because I’m here and see (my grandchild) so much more but I don’t think, even if I lived close to (my son), that my input would be requested in the same way from (my daughter-in-law).
I’m sure our parents watched our efforts and attitudes towards parenting, disagreed with us and occasionally laughed at us behind our backs but kept their opinions to themselves. Shock horror – we do the same to you! And, trust me, you will do the same when your grandchildren arrive.
It seems that wisdom comes in knowing when to keep your opinions to yourself!
Our lessons on parenting
Much of what feels challenging at the time will hold little significance in the long term.
Hold on to your intentions and don’t stress about the importance of each small decision along the way.
There is no manual, but you don’t need one (NCT lady included!).
When you have opinions about how other people are parenting, keep them to yourself.
Bonus wisdom!
(My children) were/are at the centre of my universe but it’s important to remember that they are not of the centre of everyone else’s. I am enormously proud of them and their achievements but isn’t everyone of their own children? Make them feel SO special to you, they are. Praise them, obviously always encourage them but don’t let them grow up expecting that from everyone else in the world.