Parents should not give out parenting advice
Four kids have taught me that most parenting advice is bullshit
I have no truck with prescriptive parenting advice. If you do this, then your child will respond like this. Very few people are qualified to give this sort of advice. Maybe a seasoned child psychiatrist who has built up a decent portfolio of cases. Certainly not a parent. Because how many data points can any parent have?
I have four, and in our day and culture that’s deemed to be a lot. But it’s nowhere near enough if you want to collect evidence for a hypothesis. All that having four has taught me is that most parenting advice is bullshit.
‘How I inspired my child to be an avid reader’
This isn’t my headline.
This was the headline of an article in a national newspaper. The author of this piece explained in detail the things she had done to ensure her ONE child became an avid reader. These things included modelling the behaviour by reading herself, reading to her child at bedtime, and taking her child to the library. It feels reasonable to accept that these things weren’t unhelpful, but you are a long way from proving cause and effect when your sample size is ONE.
I have a child who is an avid reader. She taught herself to read fluently by the time she was 5 and she continues to read several books a week. Her now 6-year old brothers are still working their way through the delights of Biff, Chip, and Kipper. These outcomes have little-to-nothing to do with the way they have been parented.
The newspaper article bugged me. Partly because it was baseless humble-bragging, and largely because it burdens parents with another list of things they are supposedly responsible for. So, if you happen to end up with a kid who prefers bouncing on the trampoline to reading, you are left feeling that you dropped a ball by not taking them to the library often enough.
I call bullshit.
Kids are just….different
I’m reminded of a book called Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracey Hogg. In it she explores 5 baby temperaments (Angel, Textbook, Touchy, Spirited, Grumpy). I like that she acknowledges the inherent differences in babies, and supports new parents to respond as best they can to the baby they have.
One thing I do feel able to say with confidence after having four babies, is they just come out wired differently. Even identical twins! And they pretty much stay that way. My fussiest babies are now the more sensitive children. The more chilled babies continue to take life in their stride.
One of my boys is highly agreeable. He’s naturally very compliant and conscientious. He does things the first time you ask, and he remembers to put his shoes away and make his bed. If he was my only child, I could have been writing smug posts about how to be a brilliant parent. But I’m not. Because when I call, ‘Kids, dinner! Come and lay the table please,’ he jumps up to do it and his two brothers start having a wrestling match.
They are just different. Agreeableness, anxiety, competitiveness, regard for rules, energy levels. I’m not saying you have no influence. Of course, some environments and behaviours will impact kids in better or worse ways. I’m just saying you have less influence than you might think.
Throw that pen away….
Twenty years ago, I was a Grad Trainee with John Lewis. I vividly recall a session during our induction training.
“You are all going to be given a lot of feedback. This company loves feedback. You must remember that you have a choice what you do with it. Imagine the feedback is this pen.” He holds aloft a whiteboard marker. “If someone hands you this pen you might try it out, decide you quite like it, use it again. Or you might not need it. You might not like the colour. In which case, you have the choice to throw it away.” He lobs the whiteboard marker across the training room.
Mic drop. Point made. I’ve carried that bit of advice with me ever since.
Just because someone has a bit of advice, doesn’t mean it is valid or that you should use it. Most parenting advice should be lobbed across the room.
Kids are just different. So don’t beat yourself up. And don’t listen to people who have a sample size in the single digits.
What’s your experience with parenting advice?
What’s advice were you given that you should have thrown away?
Have you received advice you were grateful for?
What advice do you give out to other people?
What have your kids taught you about your influence as a parent?
A piece after my heart! Parents don't have the influence they think, hope or want to have. That is not to say they don't have any. There is plenty of scientific evidence to back this up. If you want the short version you can watch this TedTalk: https://www.ted.com/talks/yuko_munakata_the_science_behind_how_parents_affect_child_development