Resentment: is it the rising damp in your relationship?
And is achieving equality the best way to deal with it? I'd suggest not...
Being in a long-term relationship is hard. It can demand a lot of your energy to be thoughtful, tolerant, communicative, interested, and fun. You have to flex and adapt and allow space for your partner, but also set boundaries and be authentic and honour your own needs. Is it any wonder that so many of us fall off that balance beam?
I have a strong interest in couples therapy. Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin is my go-to podcast, and I’m watching the latest series of Couples Therapy for the second time to discover things I initially missed. It takes me and Deri about 90 mins to watch a half-hour episode of Couples Therapy because we pause it so frequently to hash out what’s going on!
In so many of these sessions there is a common pattern. The couple talk about their grievances, but they are a manifestation of the issue rather than the root cause. The skilled therapist works gently to peel back the layers of the onion and discover the feelings that sit underneath.
For example, the couple’s conversation goes something like:
“He never empties the bins or clears up after meals. It’s like living with a child.”
“Why are you so aggressive? You are always on at me.”
“Because you aren’t stepping up. I have to do everything.”
“I do a lot, but nothing I do is good enough for you.”
Couples can get stuck in these kinds of unproductive arguments for years. Neither is really listening or feeling heard. And neither is managing to understand what their partner is truly trying to express because they are so caught up with their own narrative. It quickly becomes critical and destructive.
But, beneath the layers of this couple’s argument we discover that she is feeling lonely because he’s often away, and resentful of the fact that looking after their toddler has fallen so heavily on her. He is feeling personally disregarded due to her demands and resentful that he does not have the space or autonomy he needs to do things his own way.
But they don’t say that.
The pernicious effect of resentment
I observe that resentment is a root problem for many couples. It seems to sneak in, perhaps exacerbated by kids arriving and day-to-day roles diverging, and then it can fester and grow. Much like rising damp, if you don’t do something about it, you are going to have a much bigger problem on your hands.
Resentment might sound like, ‘Why is it always me who has to….?’, ‘It’s not my fault that…’, ‘Why can’t you just…’, ‘How come you get to do….’, or ‘This is typical of you, you always….’. These are all ways of trying to say, ‘This doesn’t feel very fair to me’, or ‘I’m feeling hard done by’. It indicates that, somewhere along the way, things stopped feeling equal between you and you feel like you are on the wrong side of the imbalance.
I developed strong feelings of resentment towards Deri after our first child was born. I felt like I had been catapulted into a life of drudgery and boredom whilst his carried on largely unaffected. Why did he get to develop his career whilst mine halted? Why could he still go on nights out with friends whilst I was constrained by a baby who needed to be fed by me? Why did I have to give up playing the sport I loved because my body wasn’t working like it used to? Why was I awake in the night so much more because it was more important he was on good form for work? Why was it always me who was taking the hit?
We didn’t set ourselves up for success. I could write an easy list of 10 things I’d do differently (I suspect he could too), but we didn’t know then what we know now and that is where we ended up. Resentment Central.
It’s a bad place to be. Because it makes you ungracious, demanding, and short-tempered. It makes you not like your partner all that much. Or yourself.
Do you really want relationship equality…or do we want equity?
If resentment is ‘this isn’t fair’ then we are dealing with inequality - or at least strong feelings of inequality. This is how I see it: Inequality is the fuel that makes the fire. It heats the pot of resentment until it is bubbling. The steam it lets off is the unhelpful emotion we share with others.
Positioned like this, there is clear sense in our societal focus on stamping out inequality. Much of the discourse is underpinned by a collective resentment: ‘Why do they get that and we don’t?’. Stamp out the inequality, resentment cools and we feel more balanced and emotionally stable.
But when it comes to your unique relationship, it may be that equality is a foolish ambition (perhaps so for society too, but that is a bigger one for another time). You still need to stamp out that inequality fire to stop the resentment from bubbling, but I’d suggest the route to that is by achieving equity not equality.
The difference? Equality strives to give everyone the same thing. Equity recognises that not everyone starts from the same place or needs the same thing, but strives to ensure that they get an equivalent outcome.
In the first graphic, everyone is given the same shiny bike, but only the woman 2nd from right is going to be happy with that. Everyone else, understandably, will be feeling resentful. In the second graphic, every individual can enjoy their ride.
Through the seasons of life, you and your partner are not going to be in the same place or have the same needs at the same time. Holding a narrative of ‘I do this so you should do your fair share too’, or ‘You have that so I want that too’, fails to recognise the unique positions you are each in at that time. Ensuring you both have the same things doesn’t mean you are both going to enjoy the ride.
Where I think I went wrong
My resentment in the baby years was fuelled by a strong sense of inequality. Why does he get that and I don’t? But, I struggled to find my way through it because I didn’t want equality either. I didn’t want to work full-time and leave my baby with someone else. So, why was I annoyed that he was doing that when I didn’t even want to?
As Esther or Orna would say, ‘Jo, what’s the root feeling?’.
I felt thoroughly undervalued. Somehow, what I was doing was less impressive and it mattered less, and therefore I mattered less. I blame me for this, and him, and society. It created an inequality. If I’d realised that, and I’d realised that I should have been identifying what equity would look like rather than equality, I suspect that bubbling pot of resentment would have cooled much quicker.
I guess it’s good to realise you learn some things along the way. Wouldn’t it be great if we could get to 50 and have a do-over?
How’s it for you?
Does resentment show up in your relationship?
Has it in the past?
What are its effects and how do you deal with it?
Also, if you want to dissect Couples Therapy then drop me a message…I’m keen!
I literally just used the bike example to explain equity in the MBA course I teach on inclusive leadership! This was such an interesting take and made me think about balance in relationships in a new light. Thank you!