An (unscientific) guide to choosing a life partner

Ten things that matter more than I realised when I got married 14 years ago

Deri and I didn’t get off to the best start this morning. He set an alarm which woke me up and then he instantly went back to sleep. I’m very tetchy about sleep because I love it, so things didn’t go so well.

As I made my giant mug of morning tea I reflected (again) on how tough it can be to share all your living space with another human. I don’t think people really appreciate that when they choose someone to be their life partner. Many of the things you think matter, don’t really. And many of the things that come to matter, you don’t really think about.

I started pondering my kids’ future and what I’d tell them about what matters (if they wanted to hear it, which no doubt they won’t!). I can’t think of anything bigger or more important than making a good choice. That one person is going to fundamentally change you and the course of your life. I really want it to be for the better for them.

So, I’ve written a list! There could be many things on it, and it’s definitely up for debate. I’d love to know what you agree with, and what you’d challenge or add.

This is my ‘starter for ten’, in no particular order:

1. They fight fair

In a relationship, you learn what each other’s vulnerabilities are. That is a privilege and a responsibility. Someone who pulls out those vulnerabilities in a fight and uses them against you is a piece of work. Find someone you can trust even when they are angry with you.

2. They match your energy

I’ve learnt quite a bit about personality types and how different types can work well together or rub each other the wrong way. There are several facets to this, but I think the combination of sociability and curiosity - which perhaps we could sum up as ‘energy’ - is significant. If one of you loves parties, travelling, and packing your weekends full, and the other likes reading, staying home, and afternoon naps, you are likely to find each other harder to live with than if you were more alike.

3. They are nice to kids and dogs

Because if they’re not, they are a douchebag. And who wants to live with that?

4. They can say sorry

“Everybody wants to be the one who's right. Everybody wants the last word to end the fight. Every day is a new day, with a chance to choose. Sometimes the way you win is to say you lose. Just say I'm sorry - it's not the hardest thing to do. Just say you're wrong sometimes, and I'd believe you 'cause I love you…”. If you don’t know this song by Pink, listen to it. It says it all.

5. They don’t neg you

There’s a youngish couple at our gym and they are often there together. They are friendly and light-hearted, but he’s frequently throwing slight criticisms at her. It’s all in a, ‘just a joke, just a bit of banter’ way, but it makes me want to pull her to one side and tell her to run. Because all I see is a man-child with self-esteem issues who is going to be a lot of hard work in her future.

6. They untangle the Christmas lights calmly

"You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." There are many things in life that will be frustrating, and the ability to handle them calmly makes someone easier to live with. Watch out for the small things as an indication of how they will handle the big things.

7. They speak highly of you to others

We were out for dinner this weekend with another couple and the guy said, “I don’t understand my mates who are always moaning about their wife. I think she’s brilliant, I love being married to her.” If your partner can’t say that about you, in front of you, to other people, then you should be wary.

8. They had a good childhood

Possibly controversial given nobody has control over their childhood, but it’s not for fun that every therapist worth their salt wants to talk about your early years. Of course childhood stuff can be worked on and repaired and people can change, but my goodness it’s hard work. If you can find someone who doesn’t need to do that much repairing then life will be smoother sailing.

9. They make you laugh

Life can get pretty mundane at times, so finding someone who can make you laugh matters. And you will enjoy watching the same stuff on Netflix so that’s a bonus.

10. They work hard

A good life requires hard work. And not just in a I-want-to-be-an-important-career-person way, but in all the ways that result in you living in a warm and tidy house, with clean clothes in your cupboards, and food on the table, and all the annoying admin under control. Creating and maintaining a decent life is hard graft and you need someone who will carry their share of the load.

Deri and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary this month. Of course we can annoy each other by existing in the same space, but I think we’ve been pretty lucky. Because that’s all it is, isn’t it, when you don’t consider the right questions but the answers were good anyway?

Maybe I’m doing 20-something Jo a disservice and she was more clued up than I realise. It’s just, I can’t shake that feeling you get when you nearly crash the car but you don’t and the ‘what-ifs’ keep haunting you for ages afterwards. I’d feel better if I’d been alert at the wheel.

What are your thoughts on ‘the list’? I’d love to know.