"Regrets are pointless. There's no point in looking back and thinking 'what if?'"
The Matriarchs show us how to celebrate ageing and everything that led it to
This article is the final part of a series called The Wisdom of the Matriarchs. If you missed the series introduction, you can catch up here, or go to the Womaning Wisely homepage to see the whole series. The Matriarchs are six special women who have agreed to share their life wisdom and reflections with this community. I remain very grateful to them for opening up and giving us the opportunity to learn from their experiences. Do leave a comment at the end - I think they’ll enjoy them!
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I don’t really like endings. They are a stark reminder that time is always moving on and what was once in front is now behind. Sadly, it’s time to bring this wonderful series to an end. It feels appropriate to do that by thinking about endings.
I set upon this quest with a thirst for knowledge and insight. I realised that 20-year-old me could have learnt so much from 40-year-old me…so what am I missing now that 60-year-old me is going to want me to know? I tried to hack the system by asking the next best thing; my mum and her friends.
But that’s not the way it works, is it? You can’t hack someone else’s code. You have to write your own by living your own life, in your own way, day by day. And that’s somehow so disappointing and so marvellous at the same time, I’m struggling to capture the feeling.
You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don't want to read, you will have moments when you don't want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don't miss out.1
The Matriarchs have given us much to reflect on but, above all, I feel they have provided a celebration of aging. If you want the confidence, and peace, and wisdom that comes with being older, then you have to get older. And there’s an irony there, because we don’t do a great job of celebrating getting older.
Well, not if you’re a woman. We don’t mind men aging so much. They, apparently, can improve with age like a fine wine or live their older years as a silver fox. Women go off with age like a carton of milk and are disregarded as past their best. You can, perhaps, sense a rant brewing about the patriarchy, but I will resist. You know the drill anyways.
What is intriguing is the disparity between our societal perception of older women, and the way older women feel inside. Many women like being older. They like not having to fit the mould, not caring what others think, not wasting their time with obligations that don’t serve them. They like the peace that comes with sticking two fingers up to it all.
Over time confidence grows and I wish I had had that confidence when I was 25. Maybe I tried to fit in rather than being myself. I now realise I can’t be everything to everyone.
I want to ‘look nice’. The difference is it I now realise it really isn’t important anymore and I now don’t care what others think of my shape, size, wrinkles etc.
When I was younger I wanted to feel that I had lots of friends and had an interesting social life. Now, I am content to make the most of the long-standing friendships I have and…I have become much more ruthless about not maintaining relationships with people I don’t think have the same investment.
It seems that older can be a more peaceful place. Less rumination, second-guessing, self-flagellation, and angst. Fewer fucks given.
So how does it feel looking back from that place? I asked The Matriarchs if they had any regrets. Some did wish the wisdom of their older years for their younger self…
Being overly influenced by others and becoming upset if friends appeared critical. Not recognising my own attributes at an earlier age which held me back in my career. Not trusting my own gut instinct.
I think my lack of self-confidence has often held me back. I was brought up to believe that those in authority must be obeyed! It wasn't polite to question them.
But none had big, ‘I did it all wrong’ regrets. They acknowledged that the many junctions and decisions along the way had each been necessary to create the lives they had. And because they are thankful for those lives, how can one carry too much regret?
My biggest regret is that I didn’t stay on at school…BUT would I have met my wonderful husband and ultimately had two beautiful children? I think that is called the fork in the road.
I think there are two types of regret, one for the things that were/are outside of our control and the second one for actions we could control. We should all have some regrets. We cannot get everything right all of the time and the regrets associated with our mistakes is how we learn. I am a believer that you should make peace with your past so that it doesn’t screw up your future.
I can say with authority that it doesn’t matter what your life plan is, other things will happen and the decisions you make at various times in your life will lead you in a given direction. There is no way of knowing whether, if you had made a different decision, you would have had a better life so I am clear that you don’t know what is going to come up in the future and that it doesn’t matter which decision you make, there is absolutely no point in looking back and thinking, “what if?”. Regrets are pointless.
The Matriarchs, with their gentle wisdom, have soothed my anxiety about the passage of time and helped me feel positive about aging. If we are to be here, watching another Spring burst into life, we must do it a year older than the last. Don’t bemoan that year. We are the lucky ones, for there is only one alternative.
I can understand why The Matriarchs feel grateful that their luck continues. And long may it do so.
Our lessons on ageing and regret
Embrace the years and the lessons they bring. Each one is taking you closer to the fewer fucks joy of being older.
Work to get to that place where you fully embrace your authenticity asap. You might regret the years when you held yourself back for fear of others’ perceptions.
There have been, and will be, many decision points and forks in your road. Don’t fret about each one. They will take you a place that is uniquely yours and the view from there will be grand.
From Pillow Thoughts II Healing the Heart, by Courtney Peppernell