For the ones who lose their pink...
A tribute to the parents who give themselves in service to their children
My friend sent me this a while ago, with a message saying, “I think we are getting our pink back.”
She’s right, we are. But the societal narrative that surrounds this has been bugging me.
It seems, more than ever, that self-orientation is something to be celebrated. We lap up the stories of women smashing the glass ceiling, juggling kids with a successful career, following their dreams, not letting anything hold them back.
We position the ones who ‘lose their pink’ as a bit sad. They gave up on themselves, they didn’t fight hard enough, they let themselves down. Maybe they will get their pink back, but poor them for losing those years to being washed out.
It ties back to the ‘have it all’ narrative that does so many of us a disservice. It assumes that ‘having it all’ is the desirable path - that is what we should want and strive for.
All pity you if you pick a lane.
You gave up your career? Ah, that’s sad for you. You’ll be unfulfilled. What a waste.
You didn’t have kids? Ah, that’s sad for you. You’ll regret that. You’ll be lonely.
But why? Why do we pity the ones who choose to give themselves in service to their children? For that is what it is. A choice. And an act of service.
The flamingos don’t lose their pink, they give it to their babies.
Every generation has its legacy in the next. I often wonder what ours will be, and I rarely feel too positive about it. For when I see my generation placing high importance on self-actualisation and prioritising our own needs and achievements, I think we are teaching our children that they primarily have to look out for themselves. And I’m not sure that a society of people just looking out for themselves is going to make for a better world.
One of my measures of success as a parent is how graciously and enthusiastically my children are able to celebrate each other’s birthday. Can they get excited for each other? Will they be thoughtful about gifts? Can they smile and enjoy their sibling’s joy without envy or malice? Because if they can, I know they are getting enough from us. Enough love, enough attention, enough building up, enough self-worth. Enough of my pink.
Children need at least one person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally1.
I believe that if you can give your kids that, they will be able to give it to others. And a generation able to do that would make for a better world.
Imagine if we put the parents who ‘lost their pink’ on a pedestal. Celebrated them in the way we celebrate others who give themselves in service - our armed forces, medical professionals, emergency responders etc. Imagine if you felt pride for nurturing your children to the detriment of yourself. If our society held you up and thanked you for your service, for making the world a better place by helping to create a generation that were able to do the same.
So, for the ones who ‘lose their pink’ (in case you never hear it from anyone else) …
You did not LOSE your pink. You GAVE it to your children.
That is an act of service and I salute you for it.
You are amazing and you are helping to build a better world.
Thank you.
If your brain is like mine you’ll have been wondering if this flamingo thing is actually true. And if so, why? Here you go:
The vibrant pink color of flamingos comes from carotenoid pigments in their diet, primarily from algae, crustaceans, and other food sources rich in these pigments. When flamingos are raising chicks, particularly the mothers, they transfer a significant amount of these pigments to their offspring through their crop milk, a nutrient-rich secretion produced to feed the chicks. This transfer can cause the parents to temporarily lose some of their pink coloration, making them appear paler. However, once the chicks are independent and the parents can resume their usual diet without the added demand of feeding their young, their coloration will typically return to its full vibrancy2.
I’m pleased to have established it is a valid analogy. It clearly resonates with many.
Pam Leo
From ChatGPT
Love this Jo xx
AAhhh this article just made me really emotional. Last week my twins were on residential in Devon all week. My friends were worried about how I’d cope but I had the best week! I was able to focus on work, do some exercise and sit in the garden with my feet up. By the end of the week I felt that i’d got my pink back! Hopefully the pink top up will keep me going for a while and it’s lovely to have them home :-)