Are you secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised?
What's your attachment style and how does it shape your relationships?
I’ve had contact with three friends in the past week or so who have ‘moved away’. Whilst I love hearing from them, the interactions also evoke a sadness in me. I wouldn’t choose a distant, virtual relationship. I want them physically close and it makes me sad that I’m not able to have that.
Noticing this got me thinking about attachment styles and how they can influence you.
Attachment styles are usually considered within romantic relationships, but the impact of your attachment style can come into play in friendships too. If you’re not sure what attachment styles are, or what yours is, I’d say it is worth considering. For Deri and I, understanding our own and each others’ attachment styles has been really helpful in unlocking some negative behaviour spirals and reaching a better understanding of ourselves and each other.
I will explain more about that, but first…
Attachment Styles 101
Attachment styles refer to how you form emotional bonds and connections with others. They could be thought of as concerning both your perception of self (Am I worthy of love?) and your perception of others (Can I rely on others in times of stress?).
Early research on attachment styles is credited to John Bowlby who suggested that they are forged during childhood and remain largely unchanged through our adult life. Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on his work with the ‘Strange Situation’ studies on 12-to-18-month-olds. This led to the classification of four attachment styles which are agreed upon today.
Secure - emotional needs met consistently during childhood. Feel comfortable with intimacy and independence in relationships. Trusting and confident in their partner's support. Able to foster healthy and stable connections.
Anxious - caregivers inconsistently available or unpredictable during childhood. Can fear rejection and seek constant reassurance from their partners. Strong desire for closeness but also heightened sensitivity to any perceived threats.
Avoidant - experienced shame or rejection from caregivers during childhood. Value independence and self-sufficiency. Often appear emotionally distant. May struggle with relying on or trusting others.
Disorganised - a mix of anxious and avoidant. Caregivers were both source of reassurance and fear. Simultaneously crave emotional connection and fear rejection. Can fluctuate between clinginess and emotional distance.
Figuring out your attachment styles
The combination of attachment styles in a relationship can be a really important dynamic in how well you communicate and express your needs. If you are new to it all, it will probably need unpacking in stages.
Stage 1: What is your attachment style?
Stage 2: What is your partner’s attachment style?
Stage 3: How do they interact with each other?
If you are both secure in your attachment style, you will probably find you have an easier ride. Other combinations can be more tricky to navigate.
If you are keen to explore yours, you may need to read a bit more and think deeper. There are lots of online quizzes and tests to get you started. This one by Very Well Mind is pretty good.
I also found an Instagram account @thesecurerelationship by psychotherapist Julie Menanno, and there’s some great content on there. Useful info for relationships, but I find her stuff provokes thoughts on my parenting choices too. She has a very well-reviewed book called Secure Love - I’ve never before recommended a book I haven’t read, but I’m putting this one on my list and some info at the end in case you’re interested.
The avoidant-anxious combination
Years ago, during my and Deri’s bout of couples therapy, it was suggested to us that we had an avoidant-codependent dynamic going on. Codependent could be another way of looking at the anxious attachment style. I’ve never had any problems fitting Deri into the avoidant camp. It fits him in every way. But the idea that I was codependent didn’t sit quite right with me. I didn’t really explore it though, because I had decided that I was going to be great at therapy1 and that meant being open and accepting of such ideas.
Consequently, I’ve been left to riddle that one out by myself over the many years since. Long story short, I think I do lean towards an anxious attachment style. I wanted it to be secure, because somehow it felt like a slight on my parents if it wasn’t. I accept now that it’s not a reflection of their love or effort, but a consequence of unavoidable events - namely the loss of my little brother and the subsequent mental health challenges my mum has previously shared: "I truly became insane...looking back, it scares me witless”.
In my experience, the avoidant-anxious combination is problematic. If when you argue, one person wants to physically get the hell out of there and the other person feels fear of abandonment and wants reassurance….well, it doesn’t really work. Not understanding this dynamic means it escalates. There have been times in our past where Deri would just leave the house in an act of extreme avoidance, and I would pace anxiously around confirming to myself that I could never rely on him and I’d definitely be fine on my own. Walls up all over the place. And it takes a lot more energy to break those walls down again, than if you realise what’s going on and don’t build them in the first place.
We’ve come a long way since those days, and there’s a lot less drama as a result. As ever, a combination of owning your own shit and being understanding of your partner’s makes a huge difference.
I’d love to know…
Do you know your attachment style and how it shows up in your relationships?
What do you think your partner’s attachment style is and how does that intersect with yours?
How do you think the way you parent will influence the attachment style of your kids?
“As a therapist, I've seen thousands of people desperately wanting better relationships but not knowing what that means or how to create them. In Secure Love, Julie Menanno offers a practical, easy-to-understand guide to how attachment theory underlies the challenging patterns we bring into adult relationships and what we can all do to create the secure, lasting love we desire. This is a must-read for every couple, at any stage of their relationship” -- Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE
This is a terrible approach to therapy, by the way. Aiming to be your therapist’s ‘best client’ ironically does not make you such.